Somehow, everything will end how it must.

I was newly-eleven when my gram died. I sat side-ways in the bucket-seat of the backseat of the van and looked out the window at the Rhode Island country. I think I had chamomile tea one day as we drove up from our house in Connecticut, because I remember that I fell asleep... this was the year before when my grampy died. And the same brain-fuzz came over me as we drove up. And I sat side-ways in the bucket-seat of the back of the van on the way to the house my mother grew up in, now called my mother's brother's house instead of "Olive's house", as it had been the year before, when my grampy died. Respect for the dead, or just not wanting to have to imagine the dead retaining something many of the living do not, even if the dead have heirs to inherit.

Two deaths in a year and there's still a chasm between the time before my gram died and the time I returned to school two weeks later.




My hair's been cut. I quit my job last month. I ended it for good with my no-longer-actual-boyfriend-but-somehow-still-is-there-boyfriend.


May be moving soonish.
Let me not be stupid.

I live in beauty. But only on Thursdays.

So a couple of days ago I put a crack in my laptop display. One single crack diagonally across the super-awesome hi-res screen I have come to love like a child. I very nearly cried.

So I took it into the computer repair place yesterday and they said "We don't have the right size display, but if you order it, we can totally put it in for you and you can give us your moneys for it". Unfortunately, it seems that the display runs about... 350$. Oh yeah. Plus shipping and handling and all that crazy crap. And then I don't even know if I'm looking at the right thing because I'm absolute bollocks when it comes to computer-putting-together-stuff (also with sentence-putting-together-stuff, obviously). And THEN I saw the cutest little laptops EVER. EVER.

So for four-hundred, I can get my current laptop fixed and repaired and it'll be shiny and I'll be able to see my whole screen.
Or I can get a new laptop entirely for about five hundred. It'd be about two-thirds the size of this beast, have a webcam and microphone built in (which this one does not, unfortunately). But it wouldn't run Vista and I am a Vista whore. (Yeah, I'm one of those PC people. Vista is awesome, in my opinion, and I'd rather customise, upgrade, and all that happy crap than have a standard Mac whatever thing. Everyone knows all Mac-users go to Hell, anyway.)

So I'm conflicted.

Also: I need a new job. Hurrah.


Oh. And I've seen Star Trek twice already. And will be going again this weekend. And cry like a little girl when I do. Because I sobbed this last time. Seriously. My dad looked over at me and said "Pull it together. Man up, woman".

I went to the grocery store today with my parents and was told "Get some fruit, then whatever you want in the produce section". Honestly, that was the best thing they could have said because I spent almost half an hour squeezing citrus, cucumbers, and capsicum, allowing them to go through the aisles without asking the inevitable "Do we need anything down here?". (Most dangerous question on the planet, that.)
But we got out of there pretty quickly. Dad had worked for almost three days straight, so he found this amusing.
[Int. Supermarket. Toilet-paper, paper-towel, and bin-bag aisle.]
Mum: Ooer! Trashbags!
Me: Get the white ones!
[scene]

And "Do you want any flavoured cream cheese?".



I just spent the last two hours watching old "Any Dream Will Do" performances. Honestly, I've never been so impressed by male vocalists in my life. I'm used to mostly-untrained vocals, or vocals that were trained after the fact, but I've not really spent much time listening to men who've spent years working on their tone and pitch before they started performing on stage. It's bizarre to me, almost, how great they sound. They kind of make me want to stop singing for the rest of my life.


It's been a long month.



For some people, love is like money: the more they have of it, the less it begins to mean to them.

"Ma'am, I would suggest Googling it."

Cable has been sporadic today, so this post has been... yeah.

Anyway.

I've survived my first pay-period at work. It was kind of awesome. I also made my First Ever Adult Purchase: my own actual mobile phone. In my name, on my card, paid for with my money.
It? Is pink and awesome.
Like me. Only I'm, yanno, not pink.
I'm super-excited about it.

Cable is out right now, meaning that my writing this is about the only interesting thing I'm capable of doing with the internet at the moment. It's not even that interesting, either, as this is rather like a... whaddyacall... New Document in the thing... with the words... word-processor or sommat.

Oh yes... so very eloquent, ma'am.

So I started work a couple of weeks ago. It's kind of great. I work at a vegetarian grocery store. It's great. I also get lunch everyday, courtesy of the lunch-counter in the front of the store, next to the register, which is what I ring up every day. Which is where I may be found five days a week, mostly between the hours of eleven and two, but also before and after that on Mondays and Fridays. How splendid.

I actually really love my job. I love being friendly to people. It's such a nice change from being a complete and utter nutter and hermit. I kid thee not, it's easier than curling up and screaming "I HATE YOU ALL" at the top of my lungs every morning. And I get paid for doing something I've discovered I'm good at. Go figure.

Unfortunately, I don't drive. Still. Deficiency, thy name is me.
However, I should be starting lessons soon. Ish. Maybe. Because I could have my license by December if I play my cards right. And if I can get everything done YESTERDAY.
Because Guam is weird in that it takes about a year to get a full license.
Uh... yeah. Whether you're sixteen or one-hundred and sixty or anywhere in between. Seriously. And they want to make the laws stricter about it.
Hoops: It is time to jump through them like a trained seal.
(I would say "trained tiger", but I disapprove of performing animals in general and it seems that seals/sea-lions are treated the best of the lot, even if they are made to do the most ridiculous of unnatural stunts.)

Oh dear... I do think it's rubbed off on me.

One of my duties at the store is to stock PETA and SDA pamphlets in the dining-area. Unfortunately, I do not approve of PETA in general (something about 98% of adoptable animals being euthanaised... What? And the marketing to children... Which is absolutely disgusting to me because of the mass propaganda and half-truths being sold to these impressionable minds... for free), and I'm not a member of the SDA church. (I don't mind stocking SDA pamphlets. Mostly because the store is owned and run by the SDA and there are quite a few pamphlets about suicide prevention, being smart about dating, and not getting discouraged in this financial down-swing. I rather like that.)

And about PETA:
I'm not a vegetarian. Plain and simple. I did it for a few months, got sick, and started eating meat. I respect vegetarianism, yanno? There are definite health-benefits if done properly (and if you're not loading yourself with chemicals to make the food meat-flavoured... that baffles me) and all that.
And I love animals. Seriously. I have chickens in my back garden and two cats who have taken over my house, heart, and closet (thank goodness for lint-rollers and dryer-sheets). If I see an animal, I usually try to cutesy-talk it (unless said animal is attempting to bite my face off... or is a large dog not on a leash and with a penchant for attempting to eat the tires on the truck... yeah...) and pet it and whatnot.
And yeah. I eat cow, pig, and chicken. I've also been known to eat lamb. And buffalo.
The thing is... these animals were bred for this. Most farmers treat their livestock very well. Because the livestock are the source of income for these farmers.
Should the animals be treated with respect before they are humanely slaughtered? Of course. Of course they should. (Viva la Kosher beef, &c.)
But to use "shock tactics" to say "Don't eat meat, this is where it comes from!" to people, using pictures of "farms" that've probably been shut down by SPCA (who... actually DO get their animals adopted by people, oddly... hmm) for animal cruelty (YES, THAT IS WHAT THE SPCA IS HERE FOR!)... that's going overboard. Especially when CHILDREN view the images. On the internet. With parental consent, supervision, and trust.

I'm definitely not saying "OMG CENSOR THE INTERNETS!!!!11". Because I like the internets. I like being able to find stuff. I like being able to say stuff on the internets and not care that some bloke in a bad suit is going to come black-bag me and torture me for speaking out against the government and planting evidence of terrorism, treason, and really bad skin all over my house. Simply because SOMEONE doesn't like the way I think.
What I am saying is: be tasteful in your child-aimed pamphlets and whatnot. Because I will find out and complain. And I'm damn good at complaining about stuff I have no business complaining about.


So yeah... frigging adopt animals.
And support the SPCA. Because, seriously, I've been to some really amazing SPCA shelters. And the WSPCA has done awesome work all over the world to end some of the more horrific animal cruelty out there. (Their commercials make me cry like a kid without a lollipop at the doctor's.)
Seriously. Time, money, supplies... whatever. Adopt, foster, visit... it doesn't take very long. A couple of hours a week at a shelter, just sitting with the cats or walking the dogs goes a long way to facilitate the adoption process.

And if the spirit moves you... don't eat meat. Or eat meat. Or only eat meat on Thursdays when it rains. Or don't eat meat only on Thursdays when it rains.
It doesn't matter to me.
But seriously? Don't be a douche about your vegetarianism/omnivorism [delete as appropriate]. Don't get all self-righteous at me, citing the Bible as a reference. I'll cite you right back from the same book, a few verses before you, and probably pwn your bottom simply because I'll look cuter doing it. And won't have shoved it in your face to begin with.


Animals? I love animals.
Cats, dogs (as long as they don't... drool... on me), cows, horses, pigs, manatees, chickens, fish, eels, geese, gorillas, lemurs, platypuses... I love them all. The weirder, the better.
But I'll also eat meat if it's put in front of me. Regardless of where it came from. It's dead. I'm not going to stand on principle and say "ZOMG IT WAS SLAUGHTERED INHUMANELY THEREFORE I WILL GO HUNGRY UNTIL I GET SOME ETHICALLY-TREATED MEAT!!!11". I sit down, shut up, and eat my food. Because I may have to go hungry tomorrow. Fact. Of. Life.
(I do draw the line at modern cadavers. I know what people eat. That's just icky. Maybe if I didn't know.)




Anyway.
A lot of my job has to do with answering phones and questions. So I get a lot of questions like "Do you carry [insert product]?". But sometimes we get people seeking nutrition advice and dieting advice. When this happens, something like "Fibre... can I find that in like... a powder?" is easy to answer. Something like "Gluten-fre flour... what it that?" will get a "Ma'am, some people are allergic to gluten, and have a disease called Celiac. We carry many allergen-free foods, and gluten-free flour happens to be one of them". That sometimes leads to another question, such as: "Is that better for diabetics?". When I can't answer a question, my first instinct is to ask my boss. If my boss doesn't know, we use the old stand-by:
"Ma'am, I don't know. I would suggest Googling it."
Especially when we get the "I can't see my doctor about it because he's not homoeopathic!"
...
"Ma'am, you may still want to consult your doctor. I am not a medical professional and I am not certified to answer any health-related questions. If you're unsure, I would suggest Googling it."
Also:
"Do you all have a diet-plan?"
"No, ma'am. However, you could Google a healthy-eating diet and probably find many websites with appropriate support groups to help you along your way. Good luck and thank you for calling".
I'm good for questions about colon cleansing, detoxification, and "Is this organic/natural/raw?". Mostly because the raw/organic/natural is on the packaging. And my father went on a detoxification regime a couple of years ago and I learnt more about the human digestive system I really wanted to know. So, yeah, "I can recommend the CS Detox tea. Because I've had it. And that colon cleanse? In the white container? Seriously works, but I wouldn't recommend that if you're 'just' constipated, because that can seriously mess up your social life." Just saying.



I honestly love my job. I love what I do. And I love the twenty-five percent discount I get.

Flash-Bang.

Life, relationships, and sex are less about chemistry than they are about gravity, astronomy, and the physics thereof.

Two bodies attracted to each other, less force on each other the further away they are. Move them closer and the attraction is stronger. They circle and orbit, spiralling inward until they collide. 'Bang, energy.'

Bodies in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force? Two people are in this great relationship. They'll stay in that great relationship until change takes place. Basic relationship sense. The change could be 'growing up' or 'growing apart' or that ever-pesky 'infidelity'. Whatever the reason, the two bodies have changed course.

The hotter a star is, the more energy it expends. The hotter is burns, the faster it burns out. The cooler it is, the slower it burns out. It may not burn out for several billion years due to the fact that it expends almost no energy in its burning.
The same can be said for a relationship. A very intense relationship will burn out very quickly or peter down to a simmer because all of the energy is expended very quickly in a short amount of time.



There's so much else that I can say on this subject. I'm neither educated enough nor unbusy enough to do so, though.

October is not red or blue, Country is good, Positivity, and Suing God.

October is amazing. Definitely not blue, that's for certain.

I've been listening to country music and I think I've finally found part of what I was missing. I really just hope that I can pull it all together.


For some reason, I'm really happy. I'm just... I'm good. Positivity doesn't suit me much, but I'm learning to change my outlook. It's easier than it should be, I suppose.


News:
Suit against God thrown out.

Yes. That did just happen.

Sentiments, 10/35, and Reloading prayers.

It's kind of strange to listen to music and think about the people you used to be. My sister's reading this book called 'The 10 Women You'll Be Before You're 35' and the title really sticks with me. We change at different rates and for different reasons. Whether it's from age or necessity or traumatic events or joyful events or all of the above or [insert reason here], we change. No one is static.

I had a birthday about two weeks ago. It was pretty... interesting.


I'm composing paragraphs and storylines without a pen or paper. Bad idea, yes?


"Whenever I re-load, he's on top and I can't help but feel that it's a sign. Oh God, grant me peace so that I may find strength within myself to love myself enough to clear out the cupboard in my head of photographs and words. Grant me patience so that I may not have to do this all in one go. Help me persevere because I can't do this alone."


Everything happens for a reason, you know? Life ends or goes on. Chaos and loaded consciences. It's pretty reasonable.

Sleeping paranoia and Pre-existing death.

I've been trying to find a way to sleep at night that doesn't involve sleeping. That doesn't really make sense, but neither does going to the cinema or dinner alone.

For some reason, I've become really paranoid. It doesn't negatively affect my behaviour, but I'm definitely more aware of choices I make. Almost chaos-theory-esque.

I'm going to die soon. I don't know when and I don't know how, but it'll be soon.
Such is life. We're born, we exist, we die. Very few people ever really live.

Is it possible that we're dead and we just don't know it?