Everyone you ever were made you who you are today.

Sometimes, I'm not sure what 'reality' is. I'll be doing something completely ordinary, and then get a 'flash' (as I call them) of myself from another person's perspective. My own idiosyncracies often count for nothing among strangers, though my close friends know when I've reached the end of my tether (which hardly happens, as I keep a firm rein on my anger and emotions most of the time, starting not too long ago).

I'll be having a conversation and I'll see myself even more clearly from someone else's perspective. It's... intimidating. To know so many of your own shortcomings, and then have so much else bared to you and to see how ridiculous you look from outside your eyes. I try to welcome these moments, take a step back, and re-think my actions and the possible outcomes. The past few weeks, I've been trying for a more circumspect lifestyle and a less impulsive one. Instead of drafting an actual email to an old friend about how I feel hurt or betrayed by actions they took, I stop and amend my thoughts with the statement "I understand clearly that you thought you were doing what was best for both of us, however..." and carry on in that train.

It takes more than anyone's eyes are worth for me to lose my temper. I've made a conscious decision to be less emotional and to not let anything faze me. If I do, how am I supposed to look at situations objectively and make an informed decision. Personally, I think that's where my Faith (with a capital F) comes into play. My faith in God and in the people around me, my faith that everything happens for a reason and that every bad situation or "bad luck day" has a greater purpose than to make everyone miserable. I've witnessed the balance of my worst days with my best friends' best days. Everything that has happened to me or around me or because of me, has happened for a bigger reason. Whether that reason was a push in a healthy direction, a catalyst to moving on in life, or simply a stepping-block to a different lifestyle, who I am and what I do affects those around me more than I will realise in the moment.

That said, there are times when I'll make a decision to do something (or not do something, as is more common, as I am not perfect) and will immediately think "This will really affect me later on". Whether I rectify my actions is another story. Sometimes, it's too late to do anything. Sometimes, there isn't a way back. Most of the time, going back serves no purpose but to exacerbate the worse parts of life.

That's something I'm slowly (but definitely surely) learning. How to pick myself up and correct my mistakes without going back. I try to moderate myself, lately, to make myself think before I speak or act. I'm not a trained "anything", so my behaviours are based solely on what I think is appropriate at any given moment, based on social cues of past similar situations.

One action I find nearly impossible is to maintain anger. A brief flash of anger, an unmeasured statement, and then... I'm not angry. I can't be angry. There's no need for anger, or ever an appropriate situation where anger would be the key to unlocking any mystery or solving any puzzle. A cool head, a cool tone, a cool demeanour, often warrant a greater response than white-hot anger. There's no call for it, see?

The hardest part of anything is not being afraid to be yourself, no matter what the cost to your so-called 'dignity'.


Peace.