Stranger's Perspective

Sometimes, it's difficult to view yourself from a stranger's perspective. Oftentimes, the reason is arrogance, or a "don't judge me" attitude. I usually look inwards, at what I think I'm doing, or where I think I'm going, or at what I can (or, likely, should) change about myself. It's "omg so hard!" to switch that perspective because you're so close to yourself (if that makes sense).

The best way for me to describe it would be for an artist to look at a piece of art. Whether you're a writer, painter, sculptor, musician... anything... you're always blind to your work. It doesn't matter how many people love it because you may think it's absolute rubbish. Conversely, you may defend your work with more voracity than you would another piece of work because it's your work. Do you see? You're 'too close' to the 'project'. In this case, the work of art is yourself.

Personally, I had a difficult time looking at myself honestly. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, or anything enough to suit me. I finally realised after years of angsting over myself that I was, in fact, pretty and -- if not actually 'smart' -- half-way intelligent. I had to convince myself that I was "good" enough to be happy. And that didn't bring me any sort of happiness, let me tell you internet.

Instead of feeling liberated, I felt naked. I felt wronged, in some way, because I had been so caught up on myself that I failed to see those around me, and how I affected them. This past year hasn't exactly been the best for personal relationships or familial relationships. I've lost more than I've gained. I won't say that it doesn't hurt, or doesn't make me sad. What I will say is that I have no regrets.

What is regret but wasted emotion? You spend all your time loving someone, making something, not loving someone, not making something... whatever it was that you were or weren't doing... and then you're expected to discount your actions to the point where you "regret". You can't change the past, but you can create a future. You can recognise what you did that wasn't on par with what you probably should have been doing, and you can learn from your past. That's what it's there for, that's why it's past. There's no use trying to change it. What happens, happens. Who are we to try to plaster those holes?

I talk about regret a lot. I talk about how wanting something else to have happened instead of what did is useless. Do I wish that things in my past hadn't happened? Absolutely. ("I wish that I'd listened to my maternal grandparents more before they passed away." "I wish that maybe I hadn't lacked the stoicity to be done with boys I've dated." "I wish that maybe I hadn't had that whole bottle of wine last night.") I'm sorry that things have happened the way they did. I'm sorry about a lot of stuff. I feel shamed about a lot of stuff, because it brings shame to my family, as well. But who I am, where I am, what I am... is all a product of my actions. And I'm in a pretty good place. It could be better, but without "better", what's the rest of your life for?


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Sometimes, it feels like I put too much of myself out there. Sometimes it feels like not enough. Too much, because I have an overwhelming feeling of "being responsible" for others, and not enough because it still does no good. The only thing I can do for others is be there and keep them honest.

What is honesty, though? What does "keep them honest" mean? Is that supposed to mean that I stop people when they're talking and say "You're a lying liar who lies like a dog"? Or is that something more subtle? Is that an example others are supposed to follow?

It kind of reminds me of Carrot in the Discworld Series. He's got "bags of krisma" and personality and treats everyone "like they're jolly good chaps". In turn, even the most notorious of criminals in his city don't want to let Carrot down. Because CARROT is such a great guy.

What I think is that we should take this character and attempt to learn from his example. We should be fundamentally good people and be honest and kind and just good so that others will take that example and run with it.

That's the best way to keep people honest.


But what do I know? I'm a stranger.